Learning to Apologize

The idiom, “to stick one’s foot in one’s mouth” is a centuries-old phrase describing a verbal blunder requiring an apology. The New York Times writer Anna Goldfarb appropriately describes such a faux-pas as an inappropriate comment or insensitive joke which leaves the listener with an internal wound. Students, from Beginning School through Upper School, sometimes benefit from adult guidance on how to offer a heartfelt apology.

First, many teachers recommend that children apologize as soon as possible with a face-to-face, genuine, communication. “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings,” is not good enough. The “If” sounds hollow. Even young children are capable of understanding that an apology can both express remorse and alleviate hurt.

In Lower School, we do not accept, “I was just joking,” or “You made me do it.” These nonapologies make matters worse. Instead, it is important for students to take responsibility and own it.

Mature apologies convey to the person hurt that you want to validate their emotions and that you feel remorse. Explaining how it won’t happen again shows a commitment to being more considerate.

Importantly, good children make mistakes. A moment of insensitivity does not define someone. Teachers help children understand that forgiveness is a necessary skill for maintaining long-term friendships. Children learn through experience that no one is perfect, so compassionately forgiving a remorseful friend is the caring thing to do. Parents often help children imagine the other person’s perspective which helps children moving forward.

 

Shana Marek

Lower School Director