Tips for Creating Honest Communication with Your Child
Tips for Creating Honest Communication with Your Child
One of the most important things we can do for children as parents is foster an environment where children are comfortable being completely honest with us. Children often aim to please parents, and therefore, when they make decisions that they feel may be viewed as disappointing, they are put in a position where they have to choose between potentially letting their parent down and altering the truth. Many times these moments are when children need our guidance the most. Below are some tips as to how to create a comfortable environment filled with honest communication so your child feels confident they can lean on their most important shoulder—yours
Designate a set time:
Schedules get busy for both children and adults. If there is a set time that both parent and child know a talk will occur then it will be easier to assure that it happens. Also, this will give both child and parent time to cool off or prepare before discussing any issues that would otherwise have been explosive if dealt with in the moment.
Talk about neutral issues:
Not every conversation has to be about emotions, feelings, relationships, or grades. Speaking sometimes about impersonal things such as movies, sports, or anything else can help both the child and adult begin getting more comfortable with the process of talking to one another.
Keep setting in mind:
The more comfortable one is physically, the more comfortable one is to have a conversation. Use your children’s comfort spaces to conduct conversations (their bedroom, the couch in the living room, or wherever you know your child likes to go to relax). Keep the lights low, television off, and try to limit distractions. Your goal is to create an environment of relaxation so the only thing the child has to think about is what is being discussed.
Listen actively:
Children have to listen a lot. Their teachers, parents, coaches, older siblings, and pretty much everyone else gets to tell them what to do, and they have to listen. This often leads children to feel as though their voice and opinion are unimportant. A good way to assure they know they are being heard is to bring a topic up and then allow the child to respond first. Be sure to maintain eye contact, respond to them, and keep your PHONE AWAY.
Model the conversation:
The child will respond to how you conduct yourself. Watch your voice level, tone, and body language. If you start pointing, yelling, and using sarcasm, expect them to as well. Consider yourself a mirror. Whatever you do, expect to see.
Appreciate Honesty:
You may hear things you do not like or approve of in these conversations. You may hear them tell you things that go against your rules or what you have taught them. This is good news. Children being able to tell you when they make mistakes means they trust you. If you punish them for telling you things like this, you can expect them to stop doing so. More important than a child following your rules, is them being comfortable enough with you to tell you when they did not. This will help you get to know the person your child is when you are not around.
Scott Pasieka
Dean of Beginning & Lower School Counseling
Designate a set time:
Schedules get busy for both children and adults. If there is a set time that both parent and child know a talk will occur then it will be easier to assure that it happens. Also, this will give both child and parent time to cool off or prepare before discussing any issues that would otherwise have been explosive if dealt with in the moment.
Talk about neutral issues:
Not every conversation has to be about emotions, feelings, relationships, or grades. Speaking sometimes about impersonal things such as movies, sports, or anything else can help both the child and adult begin getting more comfortable with the process of talking to one another.
Keep setting in mind:
The more comfortable one is physically, the more comfortable one is to have a conversation. Use your children’s comfort spaces to conduct conversations (their bedroom, the couch in the living room, or wherever you know your child likes to go to relax). Keep the lights low, television off, and try to limit distractions. Your goal is to create an environment of relaxation so the only thing the child has to think about is what is being discussed.
Listen actively:
Children have to listen a lot. Their teachers, parents, coaches, older siblings, and pretty much everyone else gets to tell them what to do, and they have to listen. This often leads children to feel as though their voice and opinion are unimportant. A good way to assure they know they are being heard is to bring a topic up and then allow the child to respond first. Be sure to maintain eye contact, respond to them, and keep your PHONE AWAY.
Model the conversation:
The child will respond to how you conduct yourself. Watch your voice level, tone, and body language. If you start pointing, yelling, and using sarcasm, expect them to as well. Consider yourself a mirror. Whatever you do, expect to see.
Appreciate Honesty:
You may hear things you do not like or approve of in these conversations. You may hear them tell you things that go against your rules or what you have taught them. This is good news. Children being able to tell you when they make mistakes means they trust you. If you punish them for telling you things like this, you can expect them to stop doing so. More important than a child following your rules, is them being comfortable enough with you to tell you when they did not. This will help you get to know the person your child is when you are not around.
Scott Pasieka
Dean of Beginning & Lower School Counseling
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